Care for the Caregiver
by Mark Sichel, LCSW
Being a caregiver to an ailing spouse, a sick child, an ageing
parent, or a sick friend is a uniquely difficult undertaking. Sadly,
caregivers, who deserve nothing but the highest reward for their
dedication, instead can receive a host of psychological and emotional
problems for their trouble. The unrelenting demands of being a
caregiver can take their toll on the individual, causing anger,
confusion, anxiety, and depression. The sad irony is that the
caregiver who succumbs to these negative emotions, is less effective
as a caregiver, a family member, a friend and an individual. It is
about time that we recognize that the caregiver needs and deserves
care, too: care from himself, care from his loved ones and even care
from his sick partner.
The most jarring emotion that flares up and surprises a caregiver is
anger. Frequently, the caregiver will find himself feeling angry
toward his ailing loved one. The anger does NOT mean that the
caregiver is unfeeling or unloving towards his sick partner. People
commonly feel angry with their loved ones for taking ill, despite the
fact that their loved one obviously did not want to become sick. The
anger is an irrational --but natural-- symptom of the fear that we
ALL experience when we think about the impending loss of someone
close to us. The caregiver, however, because of the nature of his
relationship with his sick partner, is usually beset with guilt when
his anger arises, feeling as if he is somehow betraying his loved one
or failing at his duty.
Experiencing anger as a caregiver, while unpleasant, is
understandable and common. Though it is never easy to accept
irrational feelings of hostility and resentment toward an ailing
loved one, it is vitally important for the caregiver to do so. The
entire family needs to understand and encourage the caregiver to vent
his frustration, fear and anger in a healthy way. Refusing to
acknowledge and deal actively with the anger will only result in a
repression of the anger. A caregiver who does not deal with his anger
may find himself acting it out in ways hurtful to both himself, as
well as to his sick partner.
Repressed anger does not go away, it simply bubbles up later in
unexpected, unhealthy expressions of resentment and bitterness.
Repressed anger, in this instance, causes a vicious cycle: the
caregiver wracked with guilt grows more angry, which in turn makes
him feel more guilty, which in turn makes him more angry and so on.
If a caregiver gets trapped in the cycle of guilt and resentment, he
often ends up depressed, unable to process his feelings, and
ultimately sinks into inactivity and lethargy.
The anger will be easier for a caregiver to deal with if:
family members who are not in the caregiver role lend an
understanding and empathetic ear to the caregiver and allow him to
express his feelings when he chooses
the caregiver understands that his anger is natural, understandable
and forgiveable, and he need not feel guilty for accepting it and
expressing it in healthy ways
the caregiver maintains a life for himself outside of his caregiving
role, which will both provide him with the proper venues for
expressing anger, as well as enable him to balance his anger with
some joy and happiness
In our normal lives we get angry from time to time. Imagine if, in
the midst of a bout of anger, all of your outlets for dealing with
your anger --exercise, the company of friends, your favorite videos,
long bubble baths, etc.-- were abruptly unavailable to you. What a
nightmare! When a caregiver shuts himself off from the aspects of his
life that were important to him before he became a caregiver, he is
putting himself in precisely that position -- just when he needs
those supports the most. To maintain strength and sanity, and impart
that strength and sanity to his ailing partner, the caregiver must
not neglect his own needs.
The Internet is a uniquely helpful venue in which to validate
feelings of anger, fear, and uncertainty. An online support group can
be ideal for a caregiver that is perhaps homebound with his loved
one, but still needs emotional support, therapy, and a place to voice
his feelings. In addition, the anonymous nature of support groups on
the Internet can make it easier for a caregiver to voice feelings
that he feels uncomfortable sharing with family or friends.
Dealing with emotions in a forthright manner, as they arise, will
help to cast an optimistic light over both the giver and the receiver
of care. Studies have shown a direct link between the immune system
and a positive outlook. Keeping hope alive is clearly the best
medicine. Resignation and despair in any area of life is a sure-fire
recipe for defeat. If you're a caregiver reading this article, thank
you for giving so much of yourself to another human being. Review the
Caregiver's Bill of Rights to help you through this difficult time,
and please avail yourself of whatever sources of support you can find
to help sustain your hope, strength and encouragement.
Copyright 2005: Mark Sichel is a psychotherapist, consultant, and
speaker on a broad range of issues related to family, mental health,
and interpersonal problems. He is the editor and principal author of
the award winning self-help website, www.psybersquare.com. For a
more detailed guide to overcoming the panic brought on by
dysfunctional family experiences, read Mark Sichel's new book,
Healing From Family Rifts : Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being
Cut Off From a Family. For more information about this book visit
the author's website: www.marksichel.com


Choosing the Right Summer Camp
Title: Choosing the Right Summer Camp
Word Count: 569
Author: SuperCamp
Have you begun thinking about which summer camp is best for your
child? With some 7,000 camps across the nation, and more
internationally, it's no wonder parents find it hard to sort
through all the information. Below are some tips to help you find
the perfect camp to fit your child.
Day Camp versus Residential Camp: Some kids love the chance to
be `on their own' for a week or two, while others won't
sleep well and are nervous away from home. Consider geography as
well: a day camp that's far from home means a parent must make
the drive twice each day. If your child has special needs, such as
medication, consider whether a residential camp will be able to
accommodate these needs.
Camp Location: If you're after a day camp, you'll want to
find camps in your general area. However, if you're planning on
sending your child to a residential camp, the possibilities are
endless. Depending on the age of your child, you may wish to send
them to an area that they're interested in, or that offers the
activities they enjoy. With a high-school age student, you might
wish to consider a camp located on a college campus, to give your
student a feel for whether they would like to attend that school.
Camp Specialty: From baseball to scuba diving, from music to
academics, there are a host of activity camps available. Begin by
considering your child's interests, and whether there are any
activities in which they'd like to improve. Next, consider your
observations of your child's skills – are there any areas,
such as reading or math, in which you would like to see
improvement? You may need to compromise your child's dream of a
boating camp with your desire to improve his or her study skills.
Consider looking for a camp that might serve both needs.
Finding Camps: Once you've narrowed down the camp style and
location, there are a variety of directories to help you find
possible summer programs. Visit http://www.campsearch.com to search
by day or residential camps, special themes, and other options. You
may also want to ask other local parents if they have any
recommendations, as they're a great source of information.
Choosing the Best: Now that you have a short list of available
camps, check to see whether the camp programs are accredited, such
as with the American Camping Association
(http://www.acacamps.org/). Accreditation means the camp complies
with health and safety standards, program quality requirements, and
carefully screens their staff.
Making the Final Decision: Request brochures, videos, and other
information from the camps that have passed the above requirements.
Factors to consider include the length of time the camp has been in
business, testimonials, and the camp pricing. Don't forget to
include travel to and from the camp in your cost calculations. Feel
free to call the camp to ask any specific questions, particularly if
you child may need special accommodations. Finally, go over the
materials with your child, and choose a camp that you and your child
will be comfortable with.
About SuperCamp and Quantum Learning Network:
SuperCamp is an academic summer camp program based on concepts that
make learning fun and easy. Established in 1982, SuperCamp now
offers 7 locations nationwide, as well as international camps.
SuperCamp has graduated over 32,000 students from all 50 states and
70 countries. More information is available at
http://www.supercamp.com/


Defusing Family Anger: 3 Keys to Reducing Conflict
Article Title:
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Defusing Family Anger: 3 Keys to Reducing Conflict
Article Description:
====================
Lack of empathy leads to all kinds of problems in families.
Follow these tips to learn how to improve family relationships.

Additional Article Information:
===============================
642 Words; formatted to 65 Characters per Line
Distribution Date and Time: Wed May 18 01:09:54 EDT 2005
Written By: Dr. Tony Fiore
Copyright: 2005
Contact Email: mailto:tonyfiore@onepagewebdesign.com
Article URL:
http://thePhantomWriters.com/free_content/d/f/defusing-family-anger.shtml
For more free-reprint articles by this Author, please visit:
http://thePhantomWriters.com/free_content/d/index.shtml#Dr._Tony_Fiore


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Defusing Family Anger: 3 Keys to Reducing Conflict
Copyright © 2005 Dr. Tony Fiore
The Anger Coach
http://www.angercoach.com


Esther, 55, and Jim, 71 are successful professionals who married
five years ago. Unfortunately, conflicts have escalated between
Esther and Jim's adult children. Things reached the point that
Ester was no longer welcome at holiday family gatherings, and Jim
couldn't invite his children on his prized yacht-club cruises
without suffering accusations of betrayal and lack of loyalty
by one side or the other.
Jim is a mild-mannered retired real estate broker who
unfortunately suffered from a recent diagnosis of cancer. As
a result, like many ill people, he just wanted peace in his
remaining years, a goal that was increasingly eluding him as
family members escalated their conflict with each other.
What's going on here?
This family was clearly suffering from a lack of empathy. Empathy
requires understanding the perspective of others and being able
to see things from the values and belief systems of other family
members.
However, Esther was unable to comprehend and accept that she was
putting Jim in an impossible position of constantly having to
choose between his love for her and his love for his adult
children.
The children, on the other hand, saw Esther as a young "gold-
digger" who was ultimately going to take what they considered
their inheritance. They were unable to see that Esther truly
loved her older husband or that Jim had a basic right to do with
his money as he wished—including spending it in ways they might
consider foolish.

What Lack of Empathy Means
Lack of empathy leads to all kinds of problems in families. It
is a sign that family members are only thinking of themselves
and are only concerned with their own ideas and feelings— not
others.' Relatives lacking empathy push only their own issues
while not seeing or caring about the needs of others.
While lack of empathy can lead to years of family conflict,
arguing and bickering, the good news is that you can increase
your empathy by practicing the following three basic skills:

Keys to Developing Empathy
Key #1. Learn to listen. Empathic listening goes further than
ordinary listening. It is listening while you suspend your normal
"filters" that distort what you hear. It is listening without
judgment— understanding, rather than defending or attacking.
The first step was for Esther and her husband's children to sit
down and "hear each other out" in the presence of a trusted
family friend who served as a mediator. While they were still at
odds with each other at this point, at least they had made a
start in better understanding.
Key #2. Eliminate barriers to effectible communication. This
involves becoming mindful of the message conveyed by the phrases
you use as well as your tone of voice, facial expressions, and
your posture or stance.
Esther, for example, frequently "chopped the air" with her hands
when discussing things with family members which instantly put
the relatives on the defensive and made them not trust her.
The children's communications style made Esther dig her heels in
deeper when they browbeat her with phrases like "if you don't
like it, then..." and they rarely made eye contact with her. A
simple way to improve remove barriers is to picture yourself on a
video cam hanging form a corner of the room. Ask yourself, what
am I communicating as seen or heard on the video cam?
Key #3. Practice Acceptance. Acceptance is the ability to see
that others have a right to their feelings and viewpoints. The
first step to acceptance is when you learn to accept an
"unchangeable reality" by changing your feelings about it.
For example; "Maybe Esther does have a financial interest in
Father, but she takes good care of him, and they love each other
...so who am I to say that the "trade-off" isn't appropriate?
As you develop empathy, you will find it increasingly difficult
to remain angry.


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Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist,
and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach,
provides anger and stress management programs, training and
products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign
up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at:
http://www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.